


What Went Untold

by Andovia212



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Disassociation, Gen, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Steven Universe Gets Therapy, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, White Diamond is the worst, kind of anyways, mentions White Diamond Greg and Connie, really he spends most of it hardcore disassociating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24938947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andovia212/pseuds/Andovia212
Summary: He’d never told them.How could he tell them?It was, without a doubt and with no exaggeration, the most traumatic experience of his entire life.Or:It's been two years- more than that really- and Steven's never told the gems what happened in White's head. He thinks it might be time to tell them finally.
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Garnet & Steven Universe, Greg Universe & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe), Steven Universe & White Diamond
Comments: 11
Kudos: 155





	What Went Untold

He’d never told them.

How _could_ he tell them?

It was, without a doubt and with no exaggeration, the most traumatic experience of his entire life. More than the multiple times he’d been kidnapped, more than the countless times he’d almost died, more than all the times he’d saved the world, more than shattering someone, more than corrupting from his own horrible mental health. It didn’t help that he couldn’t even remember it all clearly which gave it an aspect of being unknown and unknowable—of not even being sure it was real at times despite how horribly vivid the memories were at the same time as being all muddled.

So when the smoke cleared and the gems were released from White’s control only to see nobody visibly harmed, Steven had every intention of telling them gems what had happened while they were under her control. He just didn’t know _how_. He could remember what both his halves had seen and experienced, but they overlapped one another in weird ways he couldn’t describe. He could never remember one side of things without being interrupted by the other side as well. Both halves of himself had experienced such strong and different emotions, it didn’t seem possible to consolidate it into one memory but he also couldn’t separate it into two. By the time he’d been able to figure out some way of phrasing the events that even made sense, though, he was buried in diplomatic responsibilities. Telling the gems what White Diamond had done to him before he could convince her to change her mind would’ve risked the peace they were then working towards. So for the sake of that peace, he pushed it down, threw himself into deconstructing the empire, and never said a peep to the gems about it.

By the time all that settled down, he was far too used to calming himself when he woke up screaming, too used to pretending he’d never been hurt by the Diamonds when he was in the presence of other gems, too used to acting like it didn’t happen. Of course the topic never came up from then onwards. He’d told the gems he convinced her through conversation and proving to her she wasn’t perfect but didn’t elaborate beyond it, and they seemed satisfied with that answer. It seemed like they didn’t want to pry, knowing he’d been just as upset about the situation from seeing his family controlled like that.

He’d decided to leave it be.

His therapist was not exactly satisfied with that decision. He’d been seeing Dr. Perez for almost three months, and every session (every day in general for that matter) was still an incredible struggle for him. But he’d been assured he was making progress by everyone, even on his worst days, and maybe he felt he’d progressed just a little bit as well. It was genuinely helping him, even if it was incredibly, painfully slow and littered with relapses of varying degrees. And when she brought up the idea of him telling the gems about what White had done… well, he’d panicked at the suggestion. It had been extremely hard to tell Dr. Perez about the incident (but it had been necessary in his explanation of his intrusive thoughts regarding the matriarch and why he was so much more anger and fearful towards her than Blue and Yellow), and the thought of telling the gems…

Steven had actually gotten irritated with her before she’d explained her reasoning. The Empire was already dismantled (so there was no “greater” progress that would be hindered by the harsh truth); the gems still disliked the Diamonds because of their own thousands of years of trauma caused by them (so that relationship couldn’t really get more strained and even if it did, it’d be because of White—not him); and it could offer a level of support he needed if they actually knew about the worst of his reoccurring traumas—all the ones that were visible in his continued nightmares and his daily actions like how Connie was the only person who had been able to touch anywhere near his gem since that day without a panic attack. And even then, he could still panic if he didn’t expect her to be close to it, but she understood what it meant and respected that the boundary fluctuated which made calming down easy most of the time. The line of conversation continued in a similar manner for a while longer which featured Steven finding every other possible reason to not tell the gems about it and Dr. Perez explaining why the reasons were rooted in his anxiety rather than fact. It ended up being one of those meetings where he left irritated and frustrated with her because she was right and with himself because he _knew_ she was right and kept arguing against it anyways.

It was another month and a half, maybe a bit longer, before she brought it up again. This time, though, he felt his anger towards her was a bit more justified considering she brought it up in front of Connie during their couple’s session. (These always focused more on their shared trauma and helping each other through individual trauma than their relationship itself—which had improved steadily in the time since Steven had started therapy with plenty of hard work being put in from both of them). They’d discussed the events several times in the beginning when Connie would join him once every week and even managed to talk about it some outside of therapy, but it was still a surprise when Dr. Perez mentioned to Connie that she believed Steven should tell the gems about it despite the fact they were on the topic.

Sure, it was relevant to the current conversation and didn’t technically say she’d suggested he tell them before and came with fantastic reasoning that Steven never would’ve thought of himself (“Am I understanding you correctly, Connie, that you find it incredibly stressful to feel like you’re the only one who can help him through these specific issues because it’s a shared trauma that only you have been part of and privy to?” and then “I firmly believe it would be a benefit to the both of you to be able to discuss this matter with others as well so they might have the level of understanding you both need”), but it still felt like the doc mentioned it to try and see if Connie could persuade him where she had been unable to.

Within the moment, the anger that had swelled up inside him—thankfully that was the only place that swelled which was admittedly a moment to be proud of—had deflated instantly when Connie _agreed_ to Dr. Perez’s assessment of the situation. Rather vehemently…

Over the rest of that session, even when the conversation moved on, he’d grown a bit more willing to consider it.

It was yet another month before he decided he'd try to tell them and a couple weeks after that before he'd worked up the nerve for it. Another nightmare that had him swelling up after almost a month of not doing so convinced him of just how much he needed that layer to his support system. He couldn’t just call Connie every time he was triggered by that event, and when it took him hours to calm down on his own…

He told Connie ahead of time so she wouldn't let him back out of it—because honestly, this was something he should do for his own good even if he didn't really want to despite all his worries being old anxieties that longer had reason to exist in his head—and then scheduled a time and date with the gems for it. All he told them was that he wanted to go over some of his recent therapy work with them, as he'd done several times before, and that was more than enough for the three of them to be ready to reschedule anything to be there for him. He still worked around their schedules to plan it, though. He chose an evening with no afterschool activities, no previously planned events, and several hours after Little Homeschool ended for the day so he wouldn't be interrupting anything even if it would leave him the whole day to be nervous for the conversation.

Which is exactly what happened, but he was at least prepared for it in a sense. He made zero plans for the day except for his dad to eat lunch at the house with him which left him the time he needed to mentally prepare himself. Maybe someday he’d explain it to his dad as well, but he wasn’t sure how he’d be able to do that. It would require the entire story of what had happened on Homeworld, and he’d never gotten around to telling that whole story to anyone but his therapist. Even then, that was spread out over a few different sessions to give him breaks in the retelling and start to work through all the aspects of it.

Thankfully, his dad coming over was a perfect escape for a few hours as they focused on making a silly song together at his dad’s request after eating takeout (something easy that he didn’t get too often anymore since he’d been trying to eat a more balanced diet so that it wasn’t making his mental health worse at least). It ended up being a bit cruder than either of them usually ever wrote, but it was nice in a way that was… well, _human_. An experience a lot of people could connect to, said in a way that didn’t hash words. It was enough that Steven kept an okay mood for a few hours afterwards and was even able to straighten up around the house somewhat—something he hadn’t done in months that Pearl had been keeping up with. So besides the coming conversation, he had no stressors throughout the day to make things worse. Once he knew it was only a few hours away, though… the anxiety steadily returned. If “steadily” meant that within five minutes of sitting down on the couch after washing the dishes, he was spacing out, clutching at his gem through his shirt, and shaking his leg hard enough the cup on the coffee table was rattling.

But thank the stars, he ended up not having to try and work himself out of it as his thoughts tried and tried to spiral. Not long after it started, the front door swung open and hit the wall behind it hard enough that he just about jumped out of his skin. It was Amethyst, though, with a stack of boxes in her arms that went far above her head and barely fit through the door. Out of habit, Steven immediately jumped up and started to step over to help, but she knew him too well.

“No need, Stevo. These are just going right here so I don’t forget them for class tomorrow.” As the door swung shut again, she walked a few steps to the side and basically dropped the stack to the floor in front of his window seat. She dusted off her hands for flair and leaned against them lightly. “Might forget them anyways, but like- at least now, nobody can say I didn’t try.” A signature Amethyst grin later, and she headed over to be right beside him. Where he was still standing without realizing he was. Whoops. Steven promptly reclaimed his seat, removing his flipflops to cross his legs in front of himself on the couch instead.

“Alright, anything I can do to help?” was all she asked, and he knew his façade had been seen straight through.

Then again… had he actually even tried pretending he was okay? He couldn’t think of doing anything to try and act like everything was fine… Realizing the small moment of progress didn’t make him feel better in the moment, per se, but he’d have to remember it later when he was more present in his own head.

Oh. Right. He should answer. “I can try that ice cube thing…? I think I mainly just need to talk about whatever until Garnet and Pearl get home so I can actually go through with telling you guys tonight.”

In no way, shape, or form could anyone say Amethyst was the best at helping him through these sorts of things. But that was a position that couldn’t be given to anybody. Connie knew him the best, but she was always busy with her own things and working through trauma of her own. They both had to be careful not to overwhelm the other at times lest they both end up a mess. Pearl did what he asked of her and could usually figure out what he wanted or needed in a given moment, but she hovered like crazy and struggled to keep her own anxieties from creeping into the situation. His dad tried as hard as he could, but their relationship still had a genuine strain to it. Garnet… well, she was never the best at talking things through without giving advice, and he didn’t need advice lately. Not outside of what his therapist gave him. Amethyst, meanwhile, would do anything he asked of her without question, but she wasn’t the best at deciding when “what he asked for” and “what he actually needed” were two different things and tended to not push him to confront his issues head-on as much as he generally needed.

This time, she was a bit better about it, though. He worked to get himself to focus as he watched her walk to the freezer and break a cube out of the tray for him. “So you need to chat, huh? What’s got you so- I dunno, what are the terms again?” Steven knew her better than that to know she hadn’t actually forgotten. She clung to every word on how to help him just as much as Garnet and Pearl did, but it was her own approach to the topic that he respected. Not overwhelming, not insinuating anything in particular, trying not to work him up more.

He shook himself and accepted the ice cube, moving it around to let it melt very slightly so it wouldn’t stick to his skin before he clutched it in a fist and tried to focus on the feeling of it resting there.

It took him a few minutes to respond though he didn’t actually realize it was that long. “Disassociation. I’m…” The words caught in his throat. Breathe. He was allowed to talk about it. He should talk about it. He wasn’t a burden. In… Out… “I’m nervous about talking with you guys tonight. It’s... well, it’s not exactly what we usually discuss.”

Amethyst had sat on the short side of the couch, clearly wanting to give him space by not sitting directly beside him. He’d finally managed to explain to them (well, Connie had done most of it) that while he still very much needed physical affection and reassurance, it very easily overwhelmed him anymore which meant a lot of it happened on his terms nowadays. He wasn't sure what he needed at the moment besides what he'd already asked for, so he didn't want to guess around and get it wrong and make himself worse.

"And you want me to get your mind off it, right?" He nodded, and Amethyst took that affirmation and ran with it. She wasn't the best at helping him overall, but she was definitely the best at distracting him in a way that could bring him out of his head. Generally by bouncing around topics either until one of them stuck with him or they could jump between multiple trains of thought to keep up with his disassociating. The former ended up occurring this time when she mentioned that she'd gotten _Little Butler_ from his dad to hand over to Lapis and Peridot. Unlike with Camp Pining Hearts, they "did not like" _Little Butler_... but they still refused to stop watching it which meant they definitely liked it. Neither could binge watch the way they had been able to before Little Homeschool, but they had made it their nightly mission to watch at least a few episodes.

This meant Amethyst got to try to not laugh at daily rants from Peridot over the characters, the plot, the visuals, everything. It was interesting, really, that the subject skirted around so many of his triggers when it was something as simple as a person watching a television show. It wasn't a good thing that he could so easily go over that edge and spiral on the most basic of topics, but Steven could get the tiniest amount of pride in himself that he didn't go over that edge. He wavered closer to it than one would hope, but he did okay, given the circumstances. It was a good topic that lasted a long time, so they'd only just started in on Steven updating Amethyst and Garnet (who had now joined them on the couch) about the recent drama in the _Crying Breakfast Friends_ fandom when Pearl finished up the grading she needed to complete and turned in her chair to face them and listen to the conversation as well. When she did, he felt that sink return to his gut from knowing it was coming soon. He wrapped up his current anecdote, noticing as they tried to keep their expressions the same as he faltered in his words, and fell silent.

The silence. It hovered in the air like the thinnest of glass, stretched into spools of thread then woven around them all like the most delicate spiderweb. A single noise, a single breath able to shatter the thing to pieces.

Shattered.

_Shattered._

**_Shattered._ **

Moments passed, but it didn’t break even as it felt it grew tighter around him—pulled taught by each second trickling passed-

Until there was the lightest hand on the top of his arm.

Steven snapped out of it, jumping and looking at Amethyst who still just barely had her hand resting on his sleeve. Carefully, he sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, counting.

In. Two. Three. Four.

Hold. Two. Three. Four.

Out. Two. Three. Four.

Hold. Two. Three. Four.

Repeat. Repeat again. A few more times.

He opened his eyes and felt his hands. Not physically—he didn’t move any more than usual—but rather, he felt himself return to himself. Whatever sense that made. He wasn’t sure how long it would stick before he was gone again, but for the moment at least, he could properly feel himself as a whole, proper being.

And nothing broke as he managed to speak.

“So it’s not really what we normally talk about on these nights.” Typically, he gave them resources form his therapist or tried to work through things as a group with them. Work through parts of his trauma and their past together from all the… well, to not hash words about it, the neglect and emotional and mental abuse he’d suffered from them. It had never been intentional, of course, but that didn’t change what it was.

They weren’t like this conversation, though. He’d never just sat down and told them about his trauma because they already knew the vast majority of it. They just hadn’t known how it had affected him through his brave face and refusal to let the focus settle onto him. He could just remind them of it then talk about how it made him feel, say all the things he never said. He only had to recount the events in bits and pieces, things they missed. It occurred to him then that he’d never truly talked about what happened when they bubbled the Cluster….

Not now. He’d get to that. If he tried to discuss it now, he’d likely back out from talking about White. And that was what he’d set himself up to tell them about.

Right. They were looking at him. Not outright staring, knowing from experience that was the opposite of helpful, but he knew they were watching him.

He wished he had an ice cube.

No. No, he had no reason to just… wish for an ice cube to ground himself and not actually get it. He looked at Amethyst, who had leaned back in her seat again but was visibly on edge and ready to step in again if need be. “Can I-“

“Could you-“

“I-“

He had to actually be able to speak and ask for what he needed, now. Deep breath. In. Out.

“Ice?”

Close enough.

And it was. His sort-of-sister promptly got up and went back to the freezer, clearly trying to keep cool and collected in her movements while trying to hurry as well.

Steven looked between Pearl and Garnet, not realizing he was staring at the latter for a moment before she slightly lifted her hand up towards him. An offering. A suggestion. A question.

He nodded and took the hand, weaving his fingers in between hers as Amethyst returned and set the ice cube in his free hand. He took a few moments to himself to try and ground and focus.

Sight. Amethyst’s hair was messier than usual which meant she’d hosted a baseball game, there was a cabinet slightly open above the stove, the table had a new scuff on one of the legs, Pearl had taken her jacket off when she got home which meant it was on the back of the chair she was sitting in, and Sapphire’s wedding band was askew from how he was holding her hand.

Touch. Garnet’s soft glove alongside Sapphire’s hard gemstone, the couch under his legs where he still had them folded up under himself, the frozen block in his other hand, and the water from it slowly running through his fingers.

Sound. The waves (muffled as they were), a few seagulls probably fighting for scraps somewhere, and the dripping from the ice hitting the towel Amethyst had gotten for the floor the first time he needed a cube.

Smell. Not much out of the ordinary, really. But he tried harder… Sand, probably from someone’s shoes, and… that candle he’d lit earlier in the day was lingering still.

Taste. His mouth was dry, but he’d get a sip of water after the ice melted so he wouldn’t make a mess anywhere. He wasn’t willing to let go of anything he was holding at the moment.

He could do this. He was here. They were here. He was real. He would be fine.

“I need to tell you about what happened in White’s head back on Homeworld. When she had you all under her control… I think you need to know, and I need to tell you because I can’t let it go.” He paused.

It wasn’t necessary, but Garnet squeezed his hand a bit before she spoke when he continued to not speak. “Whatever you need or want to tell us, we’re here to listen.”

And with that reassurance, he started to tell the tale of how he _actually_ changed White’s mind.

The first part was the easiest. He recapped with them to make sure they remembered everything that White had said leading up to her taking over them. Her frankly narcissistic schpeal about everyone else but her being flawed in some way or another. He explained how she’d gone on and accused Pink of purposefully surrounding herself with heavily “flawed” gems and beings for the sake of being “best of the worst” as she’d said. He could quote far more of those words than he was comfortable with, but it helped him give a full understanding of what had happened.

And then it got to the first hard part. The part of his own feelings throughout the entire speech. It was necessary. If he couldn’t even get through this, he would never make it through the worst part. It was difficult to describe it, though. Just how utterly terrified and disturbed he had been at seeing his family treated like puppets. Like puppets on strings so tangled that the puppet master would surely just throw them away—she could always and easily get new ones, so what was the point in trying to fix the ones that got a little messed up in her eyes? He had to watch himself to not go into every single list of possibilities he’d thought of over the past couple years of what she could’ve done to them or had them do to him. And at no fault of their own, it had actually made him more scared of the gems than he had been before in ways he’d tried desperately to ignore but that had helped fester that aloofness—that separation between them that had helped him hold everything in until it had exploded out of him.

And they paused to talk about that for a bit. It was necessary, too, after all. He had grown up with a lot of reasons to fear them as much as he loved them, and he didn’t always have solid confirmation they wouldn’t hurt him. From all the times they’d almost let him die to the times when he’d disobeyed them and feared the punishment would far outweigh the wrongdoing as had happened before. Multiple times. So before the conversation could go away from it and never return, they discussed it.

Before too long, though, he had to get the story back on track. There would be more pit-stops on the way, and he wanted to get through it tonight. So once they’d reached a good stopping point, he moved on in the story from what he’d worried they might do to what they actually did under White’s control once Connie reached them. Pearl attacking her. Garnet and Amethyst grabbing him so the shield couldn’t help the sword and ended up being the distraction that caused the sword to lose her grip and her fight. The way White had made Pearl cover Connie’s mouth and keep ahold of her so hard it had left bruises.

They were downright appalled, of course. Pearl most of all, naturally.

“Oh, Steven… I know it doesn’t help, but I have to say it anyways. I’m _so_ sorry.” She’d been crying for a while now, but he was the only one who hadn’t teared up any. He knew he probably would by the end of it, but he needed to get this all out.

“It’s not like I blame you guys or anything. You didn’t choose to do any of it. I just… I hated it. It was awful to watch, knowing you had no control over it. That you couldn’t do anything to stop her…”

“It may not have been our choice. But being attacked by strangers is far less fearsome than being attacked by the ones you love. Yes?” Garnet clarified, not letting him talk down the situation as he’d begun to do. Steven simply nodded in response to that and hugged himself closer. He’d stayed grounded well enough that he’d let go of her hand a while before and curled in on himself as if it was the only thing keeping him together.

“And Connie, too…” Pearl murmured, clearly thinking hard for a few long moments before she realized all eyes were on her. Or well, Steven figured they were though a couple quick glances said that Amethyst and Garnet were still looking at him. A step ahead. Wanting to make sure he didn’t fall back into habits he was trying to break. Pearl noticed his gaze, then, and rubbed her nose with a tissue she pulled quickly out of her gem. “I’d like to talk it over with the both of you sometime. Just us three, if that’s okay. Please do continue, Steven. We’d like to know everything you’re ready to tell us.”

It was one of those moments where he could feel it—how much they were all trying for him. It felt as nice as it did awful. He didn’t want them to worry, to focus on him so much… but it was a type of attention he’d craved for so long that he’d forgotten about it years ago.

“Right. So she had Garnet and Amethyst drop me on the floor-“

He pressed on.

It was more of her words again next. The gaslighting. Every single fear and doubt he’d ever had about whether or not he was his own person being brought to the surface and exposed. It had felt like she was reading his mind from how well she knew every little thing about the situation—about that connection with his mother—that had ever bothered him. And then… it was time. There was no more stalling.

“It… it stunned me, y’know? I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything- I didn’t know how to prove her wrong and make her understand Pink was gone when I couldn’t even say with confidence that she was. And even when Connie got Pearl’s hand off her mouth to try and talk me through it and call White out on her nonsense… I just froze.” Very deep breath. Pause for as long as he needed to. Adjust a bit to directly cover his gem with his entire hand like he _needed_ to. “And then… and then she picked me up. White did.” Continue speaking even as they began to react to just that little bit before he lost the nerve. “And she said, ‘Starlight, this has gone on long enough… It’s time to come out, Pink,’ and she…” He was shaking. And his eyes were finally tearing up though he already couldn’t actually see through them right. “She took my gem. Sh-she… she ripped my gem out of me.”

The reaction was about what he’d expected it to be. About… because it was more severe than he had expected somehow. It was dead silent for what felt like ages (though he doubted it was even a minute) until he managed to focus his eyes again and look directly at all three of them. They’d each had the same face of absolute shock. Of wishing what they’d just heard wasn’t true as the words sank in. As they each met his gaze, it then settled in that it was real.

The room went from silence to a cacophony as Pearl and Amethyst’s voices became a mix of extreme concern for him as well as anger, aggression, and the temptation of violence towards White while every word dripped with outrage of her hurting him so badly and absolute horror at what he’d gone through.

Despite knowing it would happen, Steven was stuck on what to do and was grateful when Garnet’s voice (holding much of the same emotion as the other two) sliced through the noise and cut off Amethyst’s curse halfway through. “We’ll deal with this part later. These thoughts and words are not going to help Steven finish his story. We should let him finish.”

He wiped his eyes roughly and sniffled as attention turned back towards him with urgent apologies and extremely worried expressions. He swallowed hard at the lump in his throat. “No, it’s okay. It is nice to know you’re still this protective of me sometimes even when I don’t need it.”

Pearl looked ashamed of herself, though. “Even still, we… we should know better than to talk that sort of talk. I’m sorry.” He could tell she was referring less to Amethyst’s cursing and more to what they felt they could do to White in retaliation for what she’d done. Some of the pamphlets and worksheets he’d brought home to them from Dr. Perez warned them to be careful to not feed his intrusive thoughts while he was in such a bad state. That, as something he had little to no control over, his brain would use those thoughts against him very quickly and easily—as they did with everyone who had them, according to her.

Amethyst added her own apology in after Pearl’s, and Steven took a moment to collect himself once more to continue the story as they were all clearly expecting him to do.

It was… well, if the whole thing was hard, this part was practically impossible despite how much he tried. He organized it into two parts. His thoughts and feelings and experience from his human half—weaker and far more awful than he’d ever felt, that he was legitimately _dying_ with no way of getting himself back together, the sheer terror of watching his gem reform without him, that one moment of seeing Pink’s form and Rose’s form before the washed out relief and vague confusion of then seeing himself take form—followed by those of his gem half—so very much severe _anger_ towards White and towards Pink, the dull hollowness of his existence simultaneously matched with every little emotion in the room (rolling off just his other half, Connie, and White Diamond) amplified and felt in such an overwhelming chaos that it was near impossible to block it out long enough to even speak, the unadulterated power that felt _wrong_ in his hands.

If the gems had looked horrified before, it had nothing on their expressions now. Garnet was even shaking in a way that made him fear her falling apart and almost caused panic to rise before he assured himself that it was fine. If Ruby and Sapphire needed to deal with their anger separately, they should do that. And as he reminded himself of that, he quickly realized that this wasn’t a defusing sort of shake. This was a furious kind of shaking that meant Garnet would very much be capable of poofing White in all the worst ways possible if she were to try to. Pearl seemed like she could crack from the strain of the news, and Amethyst was openly crying in a way that made the tiniest, distracted part of himself proud of her for not holding in her emotions in unhealthy ways.

He had to at least finish the story, though. “S-so… yeah. After I was me again—and it is just me, I’m not a- a fusion of two different ‘me’ versions or anything, I’ve tried to check to be sure and I think fusing was just the only way to get my halves back together because it’s just me here—she started throwing a temper tantrum, and you know the rest from there. She said I was acting like a child, and I said, ‘I am a child. What’s your excuse?’ and embarrassed her out of her own self-obsession long enough to make her see she’s not perfect.” And… that was the story. He’d… he’d actually somehow done it. He’d managed to tell the gems what White had done to him. To let them be one step closer to understanding what he went through so they could know what he was still going through. It was… he didn’t know how to feel about that except so extremely exposed.

He’d just exposed one of his worst secrets—one of his worst traumas that he’d never managed to tell in one solid story before. And he didn’t even feel better about it. He just felt…

Okay, he wasn’t sure how he felt. So he should talk himself through that like Dr. Perez had explained. He felt exposed. That was a start. He was… he was somewhat numb in a sense, but he mainly felt like he did after his worst therapy sessions. Like he’d been scrubbed down raw with a steel wool brush, and it felt like anything could find its way in while he was so open and make things worse.

One of them had said something. Or maybe all of them had. He snapped out of it enough to notice them all looking at him again though he hadn’t been able to register the words enough to make them out even still.

“Sor- er… What was that?” That _was_ a case where he shouldn’t apologize, right? He hoped so… He was bad at this. At the whole thing of trying to get better. Or at least that’s what it felt like.

“Thank you for telling us,” Garnet repeated with a thick voice, and he noticed all three of them were still crying. He was, too.

Amethyst nodded vehemently. “Yeah, man. Thanks. That sh- stuff’s not… I’m sorry you’ve dealt with it on your own.”

Garnet again. The most he could do is ping-pong his gaze between them and notice Pearl was far too distressed to say anything herself at the moment. “I do wish you might have told us before now so we could help you, but I know this took a lot of courage and am glad you told us now.” She glanced at everyone and held out her hand somewhat again. “May we hug you?”

He was torn to that. Not even half their words had actually processed yet though he’d heard them all this time. They had learned a fair bit about how to interact with him, at least. To ask first. He felt so bare, so… so fragile at the moment that he worried he could crumble like sand under their embrace but…

Steven started nodding. And then he just nodded his head even harder as he broke down into sobs. He didn’t care if he’d break or not. He just wanted his family.

It was an hour or more before they could manage to hold a conversation again. Every time he tried, he ended up breaking down into tears and sobs again. But for once, he didn’t feel he was wasting their time, though. Maybe it was because they were crying just about as much as he was, but it seemed like it was mostly from just how many times they tried their best to reassure him.

That they were there for him. That nobody would do that to him ever again. That nobody could even come _close_ to it. That they were so sorry they couldn’t protect him but would continue to try to do so much better now. That they would be whatever he needed of them. And mostly that they loved him. It didn’t fix anything—he doubted time and all the therapy in the world could truly do that with at least this particular situation—but it was something. It was them trying their best. And it was for that reason he didn’t wholly regret telling them about it. Even when he knew they’d worry. They’d hover. They’d make a fuss over him next time and probably any time that he saw White from then on… But maybe he deserved someone to care for him like that. Even on at least one thing.

He had nightmares about it that night. Of _course_ he did. And the night after, and the night after that, and every night for over a week after that. Sometimes his other traumas mixed themselves into it, but it always had that one moment of him splitting apart.

Things were not okay. _He_ wasn’t okay. Steven wasn’t even sure he could say they were better.

But… he felt a bit more like they _could_ be now. That he could—just maybe—do this… this “getting better” he needed to do. Like reopening the wound meant this time it might actually heal a tiny bit with help whereas before it was just stitched up sloppily and hidden, left on its own to grow infected or to heal but never get checked on either way.

But he felt… It was the most microscopic amount of hope, but… it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I actually managed to finish this one. And thank you for reading it! I hope I did alright in my potrayals here?? I deal with disassociation quite a lot, so I tried to find the ability to put that into words alongside being wrapped up in anxiety while in a disassociated state. In this circumstance, though, it's the reason he even made it through the story without a panic attack- of which he had many while trying to tell his therapist.


End file.
